CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You Might Also Like
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Dance like you’re not the father
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Most fashion shows these days…
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?