Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure


It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”


Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door


Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.


He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.


Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.


*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”