Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
hmm conte-me mais
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.