@mjmimages

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

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@seamussaid

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@TheHyyyype

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

@TheBoydP

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

@XOperfectmessXO

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door

@sgrstk

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

@SmiggieBalls2

*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep