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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith