[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating