@HenpeckedHal

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

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@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

@JohnFugelsang

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@seamussaid

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

@n_brayshaw

tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.