[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
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accurate
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: