@GingerHotDish

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

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@Cpin42

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

@sixfootcandy

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

@Modern_Psyche

Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.

@Phoebetate

To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

@Staggfilms

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

@huntigula

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.