Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
how much for the angry fruit?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.