@Donna_McCoy

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

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@elle91

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

@DaddyJew

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

@NewDadNotes

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@Phreemann

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@dulcetry

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

@envydatropic

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

@KenJennings

Yes, in fact I DO know what it’s like to bleed like crazy once a month. That’s my flossing schedule.