Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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when u get so high u forget u ordered food
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Time for evil
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.