Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
In space, no one can hear…
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front