armadillos should sound like accordions when they run
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.
So I wore an adult onesie.
Guess I won this round.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video
Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.
Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake