@Izianikapani

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

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@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

@swaggiestag

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

@TheMichaelRock

*notices person behind me won’t let people merge*

*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*

@Book_Krazy

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

@INDlAN_

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.