Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*


*Meninist meeting*
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.


My son begged me not to wear my Poison shirt & spandex to get him on the bus again.

So I wore an adult onesie.

Guess I won this round.


Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.


It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when you’re looking at your phone next to someone who’s sleeping, you will inadvertently click on a video


Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.


Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.


I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”