Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Oh no
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.