Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!