@mrjohndarby

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

You Might Also Like

@mindflakes

A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing

@girl_a_whirl

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@awkwardenabled

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.