[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
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BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
How does one answer this?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Yup!
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt