It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
i hope my email finds you on fire
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.