[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.