[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
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No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My Plans 2020
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!