Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Sorry. Not sorry
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.