Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Schrödinger’s cookie
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Plant care tips