Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.