Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.