@SlabBaconBP

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

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@mortimermaiden

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

@JaneBadall

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

@Piecezilla

[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast

@HenpeckedHal

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

@brownboklit

me: i’m sad

rich people: then remove yourself from your toxic environment. quit your job now and fly to milan. shop for a week straight and buy a yacht it helps me heal. build a house in the tropics and drink fresh fruit juice the power is yours don’t be lazy and complain

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

@fro_vo

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

@DurtMcHurtt

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.