Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I am patiently waiting for your email
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing