@WarrenHolstein

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

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@Birdhumms

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

@NakedHangover

Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.

@Smafa

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

@robin_991

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

@AlisonChrista

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

@NathanBgood

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

@mom_tho

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

@CulturedRuffian

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

@Carbosly

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.