Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
こいつ天才
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
True.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.