Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors