Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
my dad when a sex scene comes on
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
smh
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy