[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Best mom ever 😂
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror