@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

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@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@P_o_n_k

[Prison]

BOSS: I’ll kill whoever snitched on us

ME (from a much nicer and furnished cell): I guess we’ll never know.

@KivanBay

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@Dawn_M_

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

@MichaelTrying

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@Contwixt

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

@TheDreamGhoul

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor