Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?


She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.



BOSS: I’ll kill whoever snitched on us

ME (from a much nicer and furnished cell): I guess we’ll never know.


Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops


Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.


It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.


Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.


I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.


Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.


some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor