Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.