Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor