@w00f_w00f

Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

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@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

@daemonic3

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@lilgapeach30

Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.

@jazz_inmypants

50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom

OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing

@ItsAndyRyan

Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”

@farleftcoast

Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.

@CrockettForReal

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*