Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Did you mean pacific or specific?
Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.
50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom
OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing
Noah in a pet shop
“Two of every animal please”
“Want any unusual examples?”
“No, just arky-types”
Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*