INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
birds and squirrels envy us
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me