I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
so much to do
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“I wouldn’t.”