Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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so weird how every mom was born today
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Dear Lord..
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.