Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
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Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.