All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
“not by volume”
Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”
Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”