@dafloydsta

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

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@vxlk

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

@PinkCamoTO

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

@HuttonGray

Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.

@Parentpains

I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

@CantWaitToNap

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”