You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Who decided to call it a proctologist and not an analyst?
“Oh wow, I see you brought your Legos.”
*huge sigh* LEGO. It’s called Lego.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.