[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Dead sexy!!
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour