Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him