I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.
THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage
Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom
[we put our clothes back on]
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me