@WouldbeAllen

Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.

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@jdforshort

I asked the manager if I could sample the sausage and that’s when I was asked to leave Costco.

THE SAUSAGE Not YOUR sausage

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@RocketRankoon

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@mishakey

I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom

@GrantTanaka

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me