I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.