She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry