count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’d hang this in my house.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair