@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

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@sweetmomissa

Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?

@BoogTweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

@Lisabug74

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

@robotmouthfarts

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

@ThaJawn

Cop: Second time this week

Me: I thought I could be brave

C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand

M: ok

@KeetPotato

guy at work: “good weekend?”
me: [in next toilet stall] “please leave me alone”

@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?