Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

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Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?


Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.


The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.


[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”


Cop: Second time this week

Me: I thought I could be brave

C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand

M: ok


guy at work: “good weekend?”
me: [in next toilet stall] “please leave me alone”


Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%


Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.


Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?