A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.