They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!