Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?
[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right
[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Reasonable prices
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press