@EyeSeeYou619

[country music plays in elevator]

ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is

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@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

@anerdonfire2

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

@tacos_y_cerveza

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

@JeremyKCMO

Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE

@serendipitydon1

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

@novicefather

[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!