Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
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I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*