couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.