Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Risking my life for fun.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground