Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me: which friend
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.