Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!