@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

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@MrSpoonicorn

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

@putyoursisterd1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

@Deltamel1

Happy death anniversary to Library paste man, an inspiration to us all

@SimplyNamedTron

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

@Adar79Angie

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

@JohnLyonTweets

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

@krishna_van

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?