Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
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Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Its a hippotatomus
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.