[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.