couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“Great, now I have to pee.”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No