@Trillburne

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

- @Trillburne

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@DamonHunzeker

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

@LifeUnPinterest

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@Amusitr0n

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?

@fro_vo

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@Jade_VK

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce