couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”


*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?


The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.


If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.


Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?


Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*


Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex


You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.


FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does