[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.